4 / 10
So I watched Twilight. I know right, LoL. To be fair, Celia, the 16-year-old girl who lives inside me, watched Twilight. She’s read all the books too. She loves that shit.
I guess the key to understanding Twilight is to know that it’s about love and vampires and angst. This is not a spoiler; these things are all explained on the back of the dvd case. If you don’t have much time, you could just read the back of the dvd case, and then you too have effectively seen Twilight. Actually, I’m just going to write it out here for you:
“Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) doesn’t expect much when she moves to the small town of Forks, Washington, until she meets the mysterious and handsome Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) – a boy who’s hiding a dark secret; he’s a vampire. As their worlds and hearts collide, Edward must battle the bloodlust raging inside him as well as a coterie of the undead that would make Bella their prey. Based on the #1 best-selling sensation by Stephenie Meyer, Twilight adds a dangerous twist to the classic story of star-crossed lovers.”
Here’s the dangerous twist – Twilight blows.
I’ve got no qualms with the idea of vampires, or even of love; True Blood has proved that those two concepts can meld to produce some enjoyable viewing. But here’s what it boils down to – when Bill Compton walks out into the sunlight he ignites, his flesh and bones blistering and burning like he’s walking through fire. When Edward Cullen enters the sunlight, he sparkles. Sparkles. Like glitter glue. Like a star-shaped fairy wand. Like a sequined dress. Edward Cullen is not a vampire, he’s a thunderegg.
Sparkling is part of why Edward is a much more sensitive vampire than your average bloodsucker. There are other examples. When Edward first meets Bella, he is so attracted to her scent that he can’t stand to be around her and holds his breath, hunches his shoulders and cringes whenever she is near. Unfortunately, in portraying this inward struggle, R-Pat manages to look exactly like he’s trying not to shit his pants. For like his first five or six scenes. I felt sorry for him. I wanted to pause the movie so that he could go and take care of his business and then return with renewed focus.
At some point it would seem Ed does exactly that, because he starts to flirt with Bella while looking slightly less incontinent. Ed flirts like any other 17-year-old immortal. He takes Bella to flowery hilltop meadows, introduces her to his family and sneaks into her room late at night to watch her sleep. Wait, what? Luckily, Edward manages to explain that one away when questioned on it by Bella:
Do you do this a lot?
Just the past couple of months. I like watching you sleep. I find it fascinating.
…ok Norman Bates.
By this stage, we’re about three-quarters of the way through the movie, which is about the point in the books that Stephenie Meyer says “crap, damn, shit, I forgot to put in a plot”. So she sticks in a couple of bad vampires (still not quite Russell Edgington bad, but certainly badder than glitter boy) who try to eat Sookie. I mean Bella.
It all wraps up mercifully quickly from there and you can turn it off, shake your head and do something more productive. Like punch yourself in the face.
But what of Celia? Well, unsurprisingly, she friggin’ loved. Giggled and cried from start to finish like a giddy, hormonal schoolgirl and gave it 10/10. I gave it 2 and then told her that 4/10 was the exact median of our scores. Idiot.